| Nothing to do, nowhere to be. A simple kind of free. |
[Nov. 29th, 2009|12:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | John Mayer | Edge of Desire | ] |
I don't belong to anyone. Which is exactly the way I like it.
But no one belongs to me either -- that's the way this works.
I'm trying to figure out if that's the way I like it too.
One day there'll come a time when I take my chances and start again.
And when I look back I can thank all the wrongs for getting me to a love so strong.
Perfectly lonely,
Natalie |
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| All my romantic stories are just a scrambled version of that first one. |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|03:26 am] |
So here's my soul.
Why did I have to go and say all that? Did I honestly think he'd choose me? That things would play themselves out in my favor? That karma wouldn't take it's toll on me?
I passed on my chance for happiness. Multiple times.
Now, I have to pay for it.
It's not so hard just to leave it as friends, is it? It's not so bad that no one else makes me laugh that way, gives me that spark, or makes me feel whole.
It's not so bad.
I just want some comfort. Maybe I deserve this.
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Doesn't think anything could be worse,
Natalie |
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| The deeper you love, the deeper it hurts. |
[Sep. 24th, 2009|11:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Brandi Carlisle | The Story | ] |
There are 5 stages of grief.
They look different on all of us, but there are always 5.
-Denial.
-Anger.
-Bargaining.
-Depression.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn't just death we have to grieve; it's life.
It's loss.
It's change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes - has to hurt so bad - the thing we have to try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That's how you stay alive.
When it hurts so much you can't breathe...that's how you survive.
The grief comes in it's own time for everyone; in it's own way. So the best we can do - the best anyone can do - is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing - the very worst part of grief - is that you can't control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
-Acceptance.
Nat |
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| I'm scared. |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|02:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Onyx | Slam Harder | ] |
Forgiveness is never easy.
Bitterness is easy. Hatred is easy. But forgiveness...that's a tough one.
Sometimes people say things they don't mean. Or do things they can't take back.
Sometimes, we do things we can't take back.
So we feed ourselves to starve the pain.
We're all afraid of something.
What I've done is who I am...but what I've done is NOT who I'll be.
That doesn't mean that what I've done is forgotten...
And what I've done definitely remembers.
Doesn't believe in love,
Natalie
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2009|10:55 am] |
"The way I see it, love isn't dirty. Peoples minds are."
Sometimes you don't realize there's a line until you find out you've crossed it, and it's too late to go back.
Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| Sometimes, lies are more dependable than the truth. |
[Sep. 3rd, 2009|02:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Miley Cyrus | Party in the USA | ] |
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own thing I don't notice a lot of what's important going on around me. Things begging to be noticed. People, begging to be noticed. To be watched. To be heard.
The only people who see the whole picture are the one's who step out of the frame.
I wish I were more open, trusting, and honest.
I don't mean I'm a liar, I just don't always tell people everything.
In fact, when it comes down to it, I don't tell people much of anything. But it's better than nothing, right?
I feel like I'm a different breed of human. It's weird to me how willingly people trust their feelings, secrets, emotions, hearts...to other people.
What happens to the people who just don't belong? Anywhere. To anything, to anyone.
The physically and emotionally unattached.
Like comets traveling through space, free of all gravitational fields.
I wish I didn't believe that only unfulfilled love can be romantic.
On a slightly related note, I have absolutely no patience for people who need attention.
Advances by retreating,
Natalie
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| Arrogant. |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|03:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | David Guetta & Akon | Sexy Bitch | ] |
If you're right about heaven, and it's only filled with people like you...then I'm content not going. |
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| Fact. |
[Aug. 19th, 2009|06:38 am] |
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Life would be way easier if I were easier. |
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| Secret. |
[Aug. 16th, 2009|06:46 am] |
Worst.
Best.
Hardest.
Exactly.
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| Broken plates, broken dolls, broken English, broken promises, broken hearts. |
[Aug. 8th, 2009|02:42 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Savage | Let me see your hips swing | ] |
Most of what matters in your life happens when you're not even there. For me, it was always a skill:
The first approach, the deflection of anxieties, the arousal of interest, the feint of departure, the slow inexorable return.
The leisurely inward spiral of desire.
Kama. The art of love.
And high up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go...
But if you never try you'll never know,
Just what you're worth.
Fuck.
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I thought I was better.
I AM better.
Total fluke.
Has to be.
Please.
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| Stability is what's rare. |
[Jul. 21st, 2009|05:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | scared. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gary Jules | Mad World | ] |
This is terrifying me.
I've only felt this once before.
My first instinct is to run and run and run forever and never look back.
The last time I felt this and actually tried, it made my life miserable.
But if I just let this go maybe I'll never find this again and then the rest of my life will be miserable.
Or maybe it'll be okay.
I just don't know if I can take it if it doesn't work out again.
I'm utterly and completely terrified.
I don't know what to do.
What do I do?
Ready to run for her life,
Natalie
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| Fuck "should" |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|06:59 am] |
Why does it always happen like this? Too bad it's different this time.
This time I don't give a fuck. It's true what they say.
All guys are assholes and all girls are bitches.
Because each gets screwed over by the other one too many times and decides that if they're the ones doing the screwing over it doesn't hurt. Does what she shouldn't,
Natalie Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| Better to have loved and lost, than to wake up next to you every day. |
[Jun. 12th, 2009|05:34 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  complacent. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Spice Girls | Wannabe | ] |
"If you could love me again, this time I'd be ready for it.
I think about you everyday and I'm so sorry I hurt you."
It's crazy how much things change in just a few short months...or years.
Love, if you can't handle its weight,
will become distorted, and turn to hate.
There is not a thin line between love and hate.
There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet, between love and hate.
You wished me dead. I admit it, it hurt: I cried.
Then I laughed, because no matter what you said, if you hated me that much...you still cared.
I was the first to love, and the last to let go...but I finally did.
I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry it's over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
Living for a reason,
Natalie |
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| It is what it is and I'm far too lazy to try and figure out what it isn't. |
[Jun. 2nd, 2009|05:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  heartburn! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Daddy Yankee | Somos de Calle | ] |
You would love me if it were not for this communication barrier between us.
I'm referring, of course, to your shirt girlfriend.
Dishonest people are seldom dishonest in only one aspect of their lives.
I have really bad heartburn.
I've never had heartburn before.
This sucks.
Last night was fucking weird. And creepy. And scary.
It's true what they say, you don't realize things actually happen until they hit close to home.
I can't take my eyes off of you.
I can't take my mind off of you.
Floats like a cannonball,
Natalie
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| No one waits forever. |
[May. 16th, 2009|01:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | drained. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Damien Rice | The Blowers Daughter | ] |
So I spent tonight with some old friends.
One in particular gave me a lot of things to think about.
It takes years to build up trust.
And only seconds to destroy it.
There are so many thoughts in my head I can't even separate one from the other.
They're all running into each other and even though I don't even really know what I'm thinking I feel what I should feel for all the thoughts all at once and it's driving me a little bit crazy.
It's okay if you didn't understand that.
A lot of things are okay.
And a lot of things aren't.
Funny thing is most people get them confused.
"I'll just call _____"
It's ridiculous how much those four words hurt me.
They cut me worse than if you had insulted me or said something horrible to me straight out.
Because you said it like it was just a regular thing. A part of your life. A part of you. The you now.
The you that I don't know at all. The you who's life I'm no longer a part of.
Why do I care?
Really?
It's not so bad being at the bottom.
The only place you can go is up.
Holding her tongue,
Nat |
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sick...and sad.